Friday, March 20, 2015

When I was an Alcoholic

When I was an Alcoholic


I used to be an alcoholic a year ago.
I never knew how bad it was for me and the people around me.
It would make boys like me more because I would do stupid shit with them.
I used to be an alcoholic but that was only a year ago
Using alcohol to take away the pain of people hurting me everyday
Instead of facing the problem upfront. I avoided it to the point of where I just completely felt numb to the world around me.
During that year I finally realized that I have an alcohol problem.
I used to have an alcoholic problem until January 17th, 2013.
I went to get help for my alcoholism. I have been away for a year and eight months.
I went to three different places to get help for it. Two who thought they were making me a better person.
They thought scaring me would work better for me not to do it at all.
Fearing them instead made me want more alcohol than I have ever wanted in my life.
Yet, I decided that those two were never going to help me.
I went to a new place to help me.
I used to be an alcoholic until August 13th, 2013, when I entered Asheville Addictions.
I have been sober from alcohol for about a year.
I used to be an alcoholic, but  I will never be one again. Never again.


Instead I became a foodie. Nom Nom

Friday, January 30, 2015

Dad, Look What You Did To Me

   

Dad
     
      You took me in like I was your flesh and blood
      Kept me as your own a treasure delivered in another state
      Ten days I waited for you, not knowing what you'd be to me
      Not knowing that one day I would:
      Let you be my father
      Let you love me
      Let you take care of me
      Not knowing that one day I would
      Let you put chemicals in my body because I wasn't growing enough
      As if my tiny form wasn't enough of a blessing in the first place
      Having them in my body, complicating the growth that came so slowly
      I trusted you, accepted your decisions despite my doubts
      Then you kept secrets from me
      Wondering where the money went
      Wondering why you wouldn't just tell me
      Someone who looked up to you
      Someone who was raised by you
      Someone who trusted you
      But you had to end it
      You used a bullet, a bullet of hidden secrets
      A bullet that I had to find, had to dust for fingerprints, I had to find out who was responsible
      Because it feels like the bullet that took you away didn't stop there,
      It ricocheted off all the secrets and lies
      And it lodged in my heart
      That shot broke my soul into shimmering, shattered pieces
      Pieces that I tried to piece back together with stitches of love I thought I found
      But how could I replace you
      The one who looked up to
      The one who raised me
      The one I trusted
      When I look up, I still see your face
      When I breathe I still smell the scent of your blood
      I exhale the sadness and despair
      I call your name with my broken, hoarse voice and eyes glistening with tears
      You turn into a blurred ghost of who I remember
      My hands are shaking, weak, and numb from losing you
      But I will never let go
      My heart screams like the day I was born
      I'm not ready the let you go
      There are too many unanswered questions
      Too many things you're going to miss in my life
      There is no rebuilding
      There is no replacing
      There is only healing
      And even that leaves scars




My daddy and me














What my heart still looks like today



   











Does anyone else write poetry? If so, what do you write about?